


Purpose

by me_llamo_nic



Category: BtVS - Fandom, Jossverse
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-07
Updated: 2010-08-07
Packaged: 2017-10-10 23:50:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/105801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/me_llamo_nic/pseuds/me_llamo_nic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set during the AtS episode 'Orpheus.' Willow tries to talk Faith into coming to Sunnydale. There's something Faith doesn't know. And Willow learns a secret Faith has been keeping.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Purpose

**Title**: Purpose  
**Rating**: PG-13?  
**Warnings**: Unrequited femslash. Cussing, mostly garden variety, but there is at least one S-bomb.  
**Summary**: Set during the AtS episode ‘Orpheus.’ Willow tries to talk Faith into coming to Sunnydale. There’s something Faith doesn’t know. And Willow learns a secret Faith has been keeping.  
**A/N**: I actually started this with angsty, unrequited Fuffy in mind, but it really turned into more of an exploration of Willow’s psyche, which was also interesting.

  
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                Faith lay stretched out on a bed in the Hyperion hotel, hands behind her head, contemplating the ceiling. It wasn’t hard to see the upside to operating out of a hotel. There was definitely plenty of room for anyone Angel felt like protecting. Angel loved to protect people. Not that Faith would complain about this tendency; Angel had helped her when she needed it most. And now she’d helped him too.

                It had been strange to inhabit Angel’s mind. She had felt so sure that she had been dying and that those flashbacks from Angel’s past would be her last experiences. Even Lorne didn’t have an explanation for why she had recovered. Lack of explanations seemed to be a trend in L.A. Angel had come back from Hell itself only to end up in its closest earthly counterpart. Maybe the Powers needed Faith for something too.

                Faith wasn’t sure what she could do. Why would the Powers want her to live at all? Was Angel the only one the powers cared about? Was she just the most convenient way to save Angel from Connor? The lack of purpose unsettled Faith more than she would ever admit to. Moments like these, alone in a room with nothing but her thoughts, Faith’s feelings sometimes caught up with her. Was there anything she could do specifically? Anything that the next Slayer wouldn’t be able to do after Faith died? Why would the powers choose Faith over Buffy?

                It was exactly as Buffy’s name crossed her mind, the worst possible time, when Willow entered the room.

                “Hey, Red,” Faith said with as much bravado as she could manage. “Knock much?”

                “Oh, sorry,” said Willow as she shut the door behind her. She spotted a chair in the corner of the room and began gravitating toward it.

                “Hangin’ out then?” Faith asked, noticing the chair as well.

                “I wanna talk to you,” Willow informed her.

                “I kinda figured that.” Faith swung her legs over the side of the bed and sat up. “Got anything specific in mind or are you just lookin’ to pass the time.”

                “I was wondering,” Willow hesitated, apparently undecided on whether or not it was a good idea to continue. She seemed to have decided it was. “What are you gonna do now?”

                “What do you mean?” Faith asked, knowing full well what Willow was asking. Willow would go straight for the most troubling thing on Faith’s mind; that’s the kind of luck Faith had.

                “Are you going back to prison?” The redhead asked, finally sitting in the chair as she awaited the answer.

                Prison. That was one thing that actually hadn’t entered Faith’s thoughts yet. She wanted that part of her life to be behind her, to be done with the atoning part. Faith wanted to be back in the good fight again.

                “Haven’t really thought about it much,” Faith lied immediately.

                “Oh?” Willow raised her eyebrows as if she doubted Faith’s answer, but she didn’t push the issue. “You could maybe,” Willow swallowed and started again. “Maybe you could come to Sunnydale.”

                “Sunnydale?” Faith repeated the word to stall for time as a thousand painful memories raced through her mind. “D’you guys actually need me or do you just want a Slayer?” There was bitterness in Faith’s tone. Willow didn’t deserve Faith’s anger, but it had to go somewhere. She stood up and gestured angrily as she spoke. “Connor’s practically a Slayer, why don’t you take him? Hell, if you sweet talk him, you can probably get him to kill me and get a new Slayer called!”

                “Faith,” Willow spoke softly, in spite of being alarmed. “Is that what’s on your mind?”

                “You guys don’t need _me_. You may need a Slayer, but you don’t really wanna have me around.”

                There was a weighted silence following this. Faith could see that she was making Willow uncomfortable. Hell, she was making herself uncomfortable.

                “I can’t speak for the rest of them,” Willow began, still unnervingly calm, “but I’d be glad to have you around.”

                “Don’t lie to me, Red.” Faith returned to the bed with a thump.

                “I’m not lying,” Willow insisted. “Faith.” For a second it looked like Willow wanted to get out of her chair, but she gripped the arms tightly and remained in place. “It’d be nice to have someone around who might actually understand.”

                “Understand?” Faith questioned disbelievingly. Willow nodded mutely. “I’m startin’ to think that wasn’t sage you were burning.”

                “Hey, I only made that mistake once,” said Willow indignantly. “And I’m a lot more careful when I buy sage now.” Willow paused for a moment and spoke again in that tone of forced calm. “And that’s also not the point. I’ve changed so much since the last time you were in Sunnydale.”

                “What, you mean that girl you were with? You think I’d ‘understand’ the lesbian thing?” Faith made air quotes to emphasize the word.

                “That wasn’t what I meant,” Willow replied, not directly answering Faith’s question. This detail didn’t escape Faith’s notice and it got further under her skin than she would have liked. Willow’s skin had also been penetrated by the mention of ‘that girl.’ It was really taking the heart out of her. “If you don’t wanna come, then it’s your choice, Faith.” Willow lowered her eyes to the carpet, confidence failing her by the moment. “I just thought you were, with the helping Angel and all.” She stopped herself mid-babble. “I thought you’d wanna help,” she finished meekly.

                “I wanna be where people need me, Red.”

                “Then maybe I can interest you in the glamorous, _needy_ Sunnydale,” Willow retorted. “We need a Slayer. And I already told you I want you to come.”

                “And do you think your pal Xander’s gonna roll out the red carpet after I tried to strangle him?” Faith was suddenly standing again as her voice got louder. “D’you think Giles won’t call the Council in the second he finds out I’m outta jail?”

                “Faith, the Council-”

                “D’you think Dawn’s gonna throw me a party? Hey, maybe there’ll be cake.”

                “Faith, if you’re waiting for the whole world to love you before you get back in the game, then you might be the first Slayer to actually die of old age.” Willow’s tone left defeated, skipped right past calm, and started working its way through assertive.

                “Red, you’re asking me to walk into a town where everyone hates me.” Faith tried so hard, but she couldn’t keep the pleading tone out of her words. Willow remained still, waiting for Faith to say her piece. “Look, I get that you need help keeping the Hellmouth under control, but I’m not your girl. Maybe it’s a surprise to you, but I don’t think I can deal with the memories in that town.”

                “You won’t know until you try.” Willow’s voice was settling again. She didn’t want to get Faith angry; she wanted to help her. And she also wanted to know if Faith could help her as well.

                “Don’t give me that crap, Red. You sound like a frickin’ twelve step manual.”

                “You know, Faith, sometimes people repeat stuff like that because it’s true.”

                “I don’t wanna go back to Sunnydale,” Faith repeated firmly.

                “I really think Buffy would really be glad to have your help. Not that she’d ever admit it.”

                “Buffy?” Faith repeated the word and suppressed a shudder, mentally kicking herself for saying it out loud. Keeping her cool in front of Willow would be that much harder. There was a question she needed to ask though. “Red, what do you mean?”

                “Big apocalypse-y doom,” Willow reminded her. “It’s kinda all hands on deck in Sunnydale now. I think Buffy would take any soldier she can get right now.”

                “Wait a minute.” Faith was staring at Willow like she’d never seen such a creature before.

                “I mean,” Willow continued, unperturbed, “the primordial evil has declared war on the Slayer line. She’s obviously more than a little wigged.”

                “Slow down, dammit.” Faith was frustrated, but Willow had entered ramble mode now.

                “She keeps a tough face for the potential Slayers, but I know it’s gotta be hard for her. You may not know it, but usually, the more encouraging her speeches are, the worse she’s feeling.”

                “WILLOW!” Faith shouted. She needed the witch to stop and explain for her. The redhead looked at her expectantly, apparently unaware that she had said anything to merit such a response. “God, Red, can you get me the number for your dealer? I could really do with some of whatever it is your smokin’. Gotta be something mystical, right?”

                “Faith, I haven’t been smoking anything,” Willow asserted. “What’s wrong this time?”

                “You’re talkin’ about-” she aimed another mental kick at herself for not being able to say it. “You’re talkin’ about B.”

                “Is there some reason I shouldn’t?” A look of concern crossed the witch’s face.

                “Well, I guess not. I mean if you wanna talk about her that’s your deal. But, Red, you’re talkin’ about her like she’s-”

                “Okay,” Willow interrupted, “so she’s not exactly gonna be throwing you a party either.”

                “Red, that’s not it,” Faith tried to interject.

                “I mean, you can’t exactly expect her to burst out into song. Unless Xander’s been playing with the talismans again, but even then it probably wouldn’t be a happy song.”

                “Dammit, Red. Shut up a minute, will ya?” As Willow fell silent, Faith’s face became a show of concern as she tried to choose her next words carefully. “I’m sure it’s a great high and I’m probably gonna ruin the whole trip, but-” she swallowed hard before continuing. “You’re talkin’ about – about B, like she’s still alive.”

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                Faith felt certain that she could hear a pin dropping somewhere in the distance. Realization hit Willow in the face like a speeding truck and she stared at Faith.

                “Wait,” Willow said slowly. “You mean that you don’t – But surely you do – Faith, don’t you know?”

                “Know what?” Faith snapped.

                “I mean, didn’t anyone visit you in prison?”

                “Angel used to. But he stopped after – After B.” She paused. “I figure he didn’t really want to see a Slayer so much. Must be painful for him, ya know? Next visit I had was Wes asking me to help him bring in Angelus.”

                “And no one talked to you about – about Sunnydale?”

                “Maybe you missed the part about Angelus,” Faith pointed out. “We’ve been kinda busy.”

                “Well it seems a little less busy now,” Willow noted. “So someone should really tell you that Buffy’s alive.”

                Faith stared for a minute and then gave one of her trademarked grins.

                “God _damn_, I wish you’d hook me up with that stuff. I’d really like something that could make me believe that. She died, Willow.”

                “For the third time, I am not high. Yes, Buffy did die. But I brought her back.”

                “Y-you what?” Faith was beyond disbelief. Was Willow really that powerful?

                “Her death was mystical so I was able to do a spell.” Willow had grown quiet now. Any non-Slayer would probably have had to strain to hear her. “I brought her back to life.”

                “Buffy’s alive?” As Willow nodded, Faith’s whole body started to sing out in relief and joy. She tried to keep the full extent of her feelings out of her face, but Willow was still watching her strangely.

                “Oh,” the redhead sighed in comprehension.

                “What?” Faith demanded, worried about what Willow seemed to be understanding.

                “I’m sorry,” said Willow hurriedly. “I really didn’t mean to.”

                “Didn’t mean to what?” Faith questioned coldly. She was unable to move her eyes from the witch’s face.

                “I really, really didn’t mean to,” Willow repeated. “And did I mention I’m sorry?” There was fear in Faith’s eyes and it was unnerving for Willow to see such a naked emotion in the Slayer’s face. “Sometimes I can sort of-” Willow swallowed nervously. “I can sort of hear what people are thinking. And you were thinking pretty loud.”

                “No,” Faith insisted firmly. “No, no, no, no, no.”

                “Faith,” Willow said softly, getting out of the chair.

                “Those thoughts are completely out of context,” Faith defended. “You don’t really know what you heard.”

                “Faith, your whole body was doing the cha-cha.”

                “Okay, first of all, my body would _never_ do the frickin’ cha-cha, no matter what the situation.” Faith looked down at the floor, ashamed of what Willow knew.

                “Usually when people say ‘first of all,’ they have at least two things to say,” Willow pointed out.

                “Willow, you can’t tell her.”

                “I wouldn’t,” Willow assured the Slayer promptly. Faith raised an eyebrow. “What? You think I can’t keep a secret?” Faith kept her gaze fixed on the witch’s face. “Okay, so I don’t exactly have a track record, but that’s with secrets about me. I can keep yours,” she promised. “Besides, even if I did tell her, I would at least wait until after the apocalypse.”

                “Hey, I may be all reformed, but I’ll kill you if you tell anyone,” Faith threatened, only half-joking.

                “Hate to break it to ya, sweetie, but I could take you now,” Willow informed the Slayer.

                “Raising the dead’s one thing, but you gotta have more than power to take a Slayer, Red. Fightin’ a Slayer takes balls.”

                “Well then I guess I got a big ol’ swingin’ pair then,” Willow announced with a grin, “because I kicked Buffy’s ass last year.”

                “Now I know you’re lyin’, Red.” Faith chuckled.

                “No, I really did,” Willow defended. “If Giles hadn’t turned up I probably would’ve…” She paused and her face became troubled. “Okay, that was a bad thing to think about.”

                “Whoah,” Faith said softly, realizing that Willow really hadn’t been kidding. “Willow, what happened?”

                “That’s a really long story,” Willow said grimly.

                “Do I look busy?”

Faith seated herself on the bed once again and looked up at the witch expectantly. Willow grabbed the chair from the corner and pulled it closer to the bed before sitting again.

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                “A lot of it goes back to the magic,” Willow began. “Even the first time I re-ensouled Angel. I felt this power going through me and it was so amazing.”

                “You never felt like you had power before,” Faith stated.

                “You know the feeling,” Willow affirmed. Neither one of them had needed to ask a question.

                “That’s pretty much what it was like for me when I-” Faith struggled to find the right words.

                “Got activated,” Willow suggested.

                “Is that what it’s called?”

                “It’s what it says in the handbook,” Willow supplied with a shrug.

                “How come no one ever told me there was a handbook?” Faith demanded.

                “If it’s any consolation, no one told Buffy either. She had to find out from Kendra.”

                Faith suppressed a shiver. Willow noticed.

                “Oh, I’m sorry,” she said quickly. “Did you want me to call her ‘B?’”

                “That wasn’t it. And while we’re at it, stop bein’ so damn observant.” She paused. “I was actually thinkin’ about Kendra,” Faith offered quietly. “I mean, she’s sort of the reason I’m a Slayer.” Another pause. “What was she like?”

                “Oh,” Willow laughed once. “Let’s just say Buffy didn’t even look a little bit like a goody-good with Kendra around. I think she was kinda repressed.”

                “Guess B got to see the flip-side when I got called. She must’ve loved lookin’ so good by comparison.” Faith allowed herself another chuckle.

                “You know she hated it,” said Willow seriously. “You were so unrestrained. Even though she knew that some restraint was good for her, she was really jealous.”

                “She had it right though. Bein’ like me, like I was…it’s more like a vacation. You should do it sometimes to keep your head on straight, but you gotta come back to normal stuff afterwards. I hated it when she was right.” Both girls paused and reflected on the simpler time. Faith longed for those days that she could never reclaim. “When I got called – activated – I could feel it in every part of my body. All that raw power stretchin’ back so far. I think I actually saw what the first Slayer looked like. I had some crazy dreams about her early in my prison days.”

                “That – might have been my fault,” Willow admitted. “Buffy went up against this Franken-demon-thing and we sort of channeled the first Slayer’s power. I didn’t even think about it affecting you too. We all had weird dreams about her afterwards.”

                “I know I tried to kill – damn near all of you guys, but you could’ve at least written me a letter when you did the important stuff,” Faith complained.

                “Probably should have,” Willow said with a sigh. They spent another short moment in reflection.

                “So, you gonna keep goin’ with your magic story?”

                “Yeah, I can,” said Willow. “So after I did the spell for Angel, I wanted to chase down that power and feel it again. I was experimenting all summer. Even the tiniest things gave me such a rush; it was a little bit scary. Something as simple as floating a pencil would make me think how I was defying the way the world was supposed to work. And it wasn’t long before I moved way past pencils. That night at the Mayor’s office was actually pretty big for me.”

                “When you guys took the box of Davros?”

                “I think it was actually called the box of Gavrok,” Willow corrected. Faith rolled her eyes in reply. “But yeah, that night.”

                “And why was that big?”

                “Lots of reasons. I got to use my magic in a way that was really important, I staked a vamp with a floating pencil, and at the end of it all…I stood up to you.”

                “Damn near got yourself killed,” Faith reminded her. “That wasn’t exactly magic though.”

                “No, and that’s the point. That was me being confident while not currently casting a spell. I’d had some random outbursts of assertiveness before,” Willow grinned fondly, recalling the memories, “but never anything like that. Like I said, it was big.”

                “You pissed me off so bad that night,” replied Faith. “You have no idea how much I hated to hear the truth.”

                “Faith, I have every idea,” Willow responded, looking directly into the Slayer’s eyes. Faith looked back just as boldly, wondering if Willow meant that as seriously as her tone implied.

                “The next big night,” Willow continued, “was the night after Oz cheated on me.”

                “He cheated?” Faith asked in shock.

                “Yeah,” Willow answered softly. “There was this – this wolf girl, Veruca. Oz had this primal attraction to her and there was nothing I could do about it. No power.”

                “So of course you turned straight to the magic.”

                “Yep,” said the witch. “I was so angry and hurt. I wanted to punish her. I wanted to punish both of them.”

                “What did you do?” Faith’s eyes were wide with anticipation.

                “Nothing,” said Willow. “I couldn’t go through with it. I turned down the only power I had. And that felt just as bad as anything else.” Willow turned her eyes to the floor. “And then Veruca was there. And Oz was right behind her. She started preaching about her right to kill people. When the sun set, they changed and he – he killed her.”

                “Oh God,” Faith muttered, running a hand through her hair.

                “And then he left. Everything was kinda turvy-topsy for a while.”

                “Turvy-topsy?” Faith questioned.

                “Making a point,” said Willow. “I did a spell not long after he left. I wanted him back. The spell was to have my will done. I’m still not sure why only some of the things I said worked out. Oz didn’t come back, but I did some other stuff.”

                “What kind of stuff?”

                “Giles was blind, Xander was literally a demon magnet, and Buffy started planning her wedding to Spike.” Faith burst out into raucous laughter. Willow giggled appreciatively and waited for the humor to die down. “It ended up with this guy – demon – D’Hoffryn offering me a job as vengeance demon.”

                “You’re a demon?” Faith asked. “What, like Cordy?”

                “I turned him down. Granting wishes of bloody vengeance, not so much my gig.” Willow thought of Anya and her own struggles with vengeance. “If there was something more like granting happy wishes, that would probably be better.”

                “Yeah, nothin’ impure for the Scooby Gang,” Faith mused.

                “I still haven’t finished my story, ya know?” Willow complained.

                “Well, go on then, Red,” Faith encouraged her.

                “Right,” Willow collected her thoughts. “So, I had turned away from power twice now. I was kinda scared of the darker stuff that seemed to be attached to that power. Giles had told me right from the beginning that the magicks could be dangerous. Most of the time I just convinced myself that Giles was just being a prude about it. After D’Hoffryn, I started to worry that Giles was right, but I was able to rationalize it again before long. Especially when we had big bad evil to take down.”

                “We up to Franken-demon now?” Willow nodded in reply. “Adam,” Faith recalled. “You guys were talkin’ about him that night I came out of the coma.”

                “Yeah, Adam was the Frankenstein monster. Except I think the actual Frankenstein monster would’ve been a lot easier. It took a lot more than a fire to deal with this guy.”

                “Essence of the first Slayer,” said Faith.

                “Buffy had never been able to even damage Adam before. After we did the spell though, it was child’s play.”

                “I could feel the power,” Faith informed the witch. “That day before I had the dreams. I didn’t know what the hell was happening. Thought maybe I was finally going crazy, ya know?”

                “I’m sorry we didn’t tell you. I didn’t even really consider that the spell might affect the other Slayer too. We should’ve told you.”

                “Don’t sweat it, Red,” Faith said casually, waving her hand in dismissal. “I’d just barely finished tryin’ to rip your lives apart. It’s not like I was expectin’ post cards.”

                “Faith,” said Willow softly.

                “Yeah, Red?”

                “Did you know – then?” Faith looked at her blankly, suspecting the witch’s meaning, but afraid to answer without knowing. “Did you feel then how you feel now?”

                “I-” Faith hesitated, terrified of speaking her feelings out loud. “Red, I’ve felt this way since before I even met her.”

                “You have?” Willow exclaimed, eyebrows escalating in surprise.

                “I’d heard about her,” Faith explained. “My watcher had told me about her. Even then I felt-” she stopped and looked off in confusion.

                “It’s okay,” said Willow, placing a hand on Faith’s knee in a reassuring gesture. “It’s okay to talk about it, Faith. It’s probably a good thing.”

                “I felt – drawn to her,” Faith continued. “And after my Watcher – there was nothin’ to stop me from goin’. I wanted to be where she was. And then, God help me, I started fallin’ for her.”

                “So why did you-” Willow paused to think over her words. “I mean, with the badness and all?”

                “I made a mistake,” the Slayer said dryly. “And then I made like fifty more mistakes respondin’ to that mistake. I had lots of reasons for what I did, but she was a big part of it. I sorta have – I guess you’d call it intimacy issues.”

                “Never would have guessed,” Willow replied with a grin.

                “I know, right.” Faith sighed. “I was messed up about her. And then on top of it, all the real life shit started goin’ down. I know it doesn’t excuse anything, but I freaked the hell out.”

                “I’ve definitely been there. The freaking out,” she clarified. “Especially over people I loved. It’s hard to see straight.”

                “You don’t know the half of it,” Faith mumbled.

                “Faith, I know the whole of it,” Willow insisted. “I wish you’d stop dismissing my opinion.”

                “I – sorry.” Faith shifted awkwardly.

                “Now,” Willow continued, “with the freaking out.” The witch took a breath. “There was this hell-God, called Glory. She – she hurt Tara.” She swallowed once, trying to wade through the painful memories. “Glory fed on brainwaves. She made Tara crazy.”

                “Oh damn,” Faith said quietly. “Willow, you don’t have to-”

                “I need to,” Willow said shortly. “It’s good to talk about it. Healthy.” She blinked slowly, fighting tears. “Needless to say, I got pissed. Buffy told me not to go; Glory had beaten Buffy more than once. But I went to her, hurt her too. I wasn’t a match, but I slowed her down more than Buffy had. It made me feel powerful, helped me deal with the hurt.

                “And later, the night that Buffy – died.” Willow watched Faith nervously, but the Slayer made no reaction, simply watching and listening. “I was able to put Tara right. I helped her and drained Glory at the same time. That felt about ten times as good as the first time I fought her.”

                “Lemme have a guess at the next big thing,” Faith interrupted.

                “Yeah,” said Willow, knowing what Faith was going to say. “Bringing Buffy back. I wanted to do it right away. I was ready to try all kinds of unstable magicks. I was the almighty Willow; nothing would go wrong. Tara kept me from trying the dangerous and unreliable stuff. For her, I waited until we had something that was sure to work. It was still pretty dark stuff though. Blood, magical artifacts, snakes out of the throat.”

                “Red, I gotta say somethin’ here,” Faith spoke up again. “And consider the source when I say, that is seriously twisted. You messed around with some deep, dark, twisted stuff. Maybe you don’t wanna hear it, but I hope you know that was more magic than anyone oughtta be usin’ for any reason.” Willow watched with an amused expression as Faith spoke. “And Buffy would never tell you guys, but I’m bettin’ she was in heaven before you interfered. She’s probably sick as hell over bein’ pulled away from that.”

                “Faith,” Willow spoke quietly. “I’ve played that tune all the way to the end,” she assured the Slayer. “Believe me, I hit the consequences of the magic – hard. After Buffy, I was on a major head trip. Giles told me I was a rank, arrogant amateur.”

                “Bet you didn’t take that well.”

                “I told him he better not piss me off,” Willow informed the Slayer. “Not long after that, I did the thing I regret most of all.” She paused again to steady herself against potential tears. “Tara,” she began, “told me I was using too much magic. We had a pretty heated discussion. At the end of it – I wiped it from her memory.”

                “That’s the thing you regret most?” Faith questioned quietly.

                “There are other things – things most people would probably regret more… But hurting her is the biggest thing I wish I could take back.” There was another pause. Faith was very curious about the ‘other things’ Willow had mentioned, but she waited patiently for the witch to continue at her own pace. “She found out, but at the same time – Buffy told us all – what you were able to guess.”

                “You took her out of heaven.” Faith’s voice was low and blunt.

                “I was worried that she might have been in a hell dimension,” Willow defended. “But no, she was in a happy place. And most of me was devastated at the pain in her voice when she explained.”

                “Most of you?” asked Faith.

                “A tiny, tiny part of me,” Willow explained, “couldn’t help but think that I took on God. And won.” Willow inhaled deeply, glad to be talking about this, but also struggling with the weight of it. “That feeling – that sense of power – it was growing. And then Tara told me that she found out about the memory wipe. She told me that she’d only be with me if I could stop using magic.”

Faith let out a low whistle in response to that statement.

“Yeah,” Willow nodded. “I had two really big problems – staring me in the face – telling me that the magic was hurting people. Buffy was – really depressed. And Tara was hurt by the way I had violated her trust. I tried to solve both problems with magic.”

Faith smacked her palm against her forehead.

“Needless to say, it backfired. Tara and I separated; Buffy wouldn’t even look at me. But at that point, I wouldn’t face it. I just wanted to get away from the pain. There was this other witch, Amy. You may remember her of turned-herself-into-a-rat fame.” Faith nodded. “She and I went out and pretty much took over the Bronze. It made me feel powerful, which helped me ignore the pain. And then Amy introduced me to this guy – Rack. He tapped into some really trippy stuff.”

                “Like acid trippy?”

                “Except mystical.”

                “Probably like those vamps who feed on humans who’ve shot up,” Faith noted.

                “Maybe.” Willow sighed. “It got out of hand pretty quick though. It ended with me crashing a car and almost getting Dawn killed by a demon I summoned.”

                “That was what finally did it?” Faith spoke quietly.

                “It opened my eyes,” Willow replied. “I was cold-turkey gal after that.”

                “You don’t seem so cold-turkey now,” Faith observed.

                “What, the light show downstairs?” Willow laughed. “Those were mostly parlor tricks. Whatever’s pulling the strings behind this, it’s probably gonna be a total pushover. I bet Connor could stop it with one good punch.”

                “Still,” Faith pressed, “even if it was parlor tricks, that’s still not cold-turkey.”

                “I’m not done yet,” countered Willow. “I did the cold-turkey for a few months. It was rough at first, but things really started looking up. Tara came back and we – well, you don’t need the details,” said Willow with a blush. “But suffice it to say, things were good. And then…”

                “Willow,” Faith offered quietly, seeing the pain in the witch’s eyes.

                “There was,” Willow began, “this guy – Warren. He came to shoot Buffy.” Faith’s eyes widened and her knuckles clenched in her lap. “H-he didn’t kill her. But one of his shots…” Willow broke off, eyes watering and throat tight with the memories.

                Faith leaned forward and uncharacteristically pulled the witch into a hug. This wasn’t the sort of thing Faith was used to dealing with, but she knew Willow needed support.

                “He killed Tara,” Willow sobbed quietly, gratefully accepting Faith’s shoulder.

                “Let it out, Red,” Faith encouraged her. “You said it’s good to let it out, right.”

                It was a few minutes before Willow was calm enough to continue. Faith waited silently, feeling awkward at this new level of closeness. It was hard for her not to be close to Willow after the witch had discovered her long-guarded secret, but it did still make Faith uncomfortable. Eventually, Willow pulled back from Faith’s embrace, signaling that she was ready to speak again.

                “I fell off the wagon,” Willow stated bluntly. “Dark stuff – the darkest. I went after Warren. … I flayed him alive.”

                Faith stared blankly. She had feared that Willow had been hinting at something like this. All the talk of how Faith might understand her, all of Willow’s assurances that she understood Faith’s feelings, of course she had been building to this.

                “I don’t know what to say,” Faith replied in perfect honesty.

                “I killed Rack too,” Willow went on, speaking in a deadened, detached tone. “Picked up a power boost and then rid the world of that – he was evil. I can’t justify it though and I really wish I could. And then I started lashing out. The people who cared about me. Dawn – I almost – Buffy showed up. She wanted to help me – I didn’t want to hear it.”

                “Been there.” Faith nodded sadly.

                “Then – the aforementioned ass kicking. Giles showed up with borrowed magicks from this coven in Europe. I took the power from him and it tapped me into – everything.” Willow paused with a distant look in her eyes. “It’s all so connected in ways people never even realize. That should have been enough to open my eyes, but – I wasn’t ready to see. I was running on grief – anger – all the darkest emotions. I saw the world and I saw my own pain reflected in every human soul. A thousand mirrors showing me my own disfigured face.”

                “Kinda poetic.”

                “I’ve thought about it a lot,” Willow said quietly. “But where I was then – I tried to destroy the world.”

                “I’m guessin’ that didn’t work ‘cause – check it out, world.”

                “Xander stopped me,” Willow dryly informed the Slayer.

                “Xander saved the world?” asked Faith in shock.

                “Buffy wouldn’t have been able to. For one thing, I kept her busy. But no magic or supernatural force would have been able to stop me. Xander was there though. He didn’t fight me, he didn’t ask me to stop – he was just there. He told me how much he loved me. … I hated to feel that purity. To hear the truth when I was so far gone. But I couldn’t run anymore.”

                “God, Willow.” Faith was still unsure of what to say, but felt the need to say something.

                “I’m doing better now. Getting into the good side of the magic. It’s still hard sometimes – most of the time,” she corrected. “But I’m on redemption road now.”

                “It’s a long ass road,” Faith commented.

                “Rest of our lives, I think,” Willow responded.

                “It helps,” Faith offered. “It helps to know that you’re not the only one on the road.” She placed a hand on Willow’s knee, meeting her eyes. “You don’t have to be alone.”

                “Thanks.” She could see a shared burden reflected in the dark eyes of the Slayer. A similar pain, but then something else as well. “No, Faith,” she answered the unasked question.

                “No what?” Faith replied, even though she knew what Willow was saying.

                “No, I won’t help you forget like that.” Faith tried not to take Willow’s rejection personally. “It’s not that I’m not tempted,” Willow assured the Slayer. “Believe me, I’m really, really tempted.”

                “But you won’t ‘cause it’s me,” Faith filled in.

                “Actually, it’s because I’m seeing someone,” Willow answered. “Potential Slayer,” she continued, “Kennedy. She actually reminds me of you in some ways.” There was a pause. “Okay, not in the background way, but that sort of rebellious attitude.”

                “You might wanna keep an eye on her,” Faith warned.

                “Oh, I do.”

                “And you really would – if you weren’t seeing her?” Faith asked, not knowing why she craved the validation.

                “A part of me wants to go ahead and do it anyway,” Willow admitted softly. “But I wouldn’t do that to Kennedy. I think I have a real chance to find some happiness with her. Not to mention that the tickle fights are always fun.”

                “Is that what they’re callin’ it now,” Faith asked, raising her eyebrows.

                “No,” Willow answered. “At least I don’t think so. I meant actual tickle fights.”

                “God, you’re way too adorable to be a lesbian,” Faith complained.

                “We come in all shapes and sizes,” Willow said plainly. “But I guess you know that.”

                “I actually don’t go for chicks very often,” Faith defended. “Maybe once in a while. And of course, there’s one I’ve kinda had a crush on for four years…”

                “I would say that’s more than a crush,” Willow retorted.

                “Yeah, I can’t really think of any better words though.”

                “You know, she’s changed a lot too,” said Willow kindly.

                “I don’t have any expectations,” Faith interrupted before Willow could finish the thought. “And I’m not gonna start havin’ any. I know B’s probably gonna punch me in the face when she sees me, but I’ll deal.”

                “So does that mean you’re coming?” Willow asked suddenly.

                “I guess it does.” Faith sighed heavily. “I know I wanna be back in the fight. And I been thinkin’ about how I need a purpose. I guess I can hang out in Sunnydale while I look for it.”

                “I’m glad,” Willow told her warmly.

                “Willow?” Faith sounded nervous. “I-I know you don’t wanna – well anyway. God, I’m wicked uncomfortable askin’ for this…”

                “You can say it, Faith,” Willow assured her.

                “Can you – can you hold me? I just wanna be close.”

                “I think I can.” Willow got out of her chair and sat on the bed next to Faith, wrapping her arms around the brunette Slayer’s frame.

                “Thank you.” Faith laid her head on gratefully on the redhead’s shoulder.

                “You know what, Faith?” said Willow softly. “I think you’re extraordinary.” Faith made no reply. “You’re better than me.”

                “What?” This was certainly something the brunette had never heard before.

                “You came back from it,” the witch explained. “And you didn’t even have anyone to reach out to you. You had to do the reaching – and that makes you amazing.”

                “I don’t know what to say.” Faith had been feeling this way for most of their conversation.

                “You don’t have to say anything.”

                “Willow?” said Faith again. “I don’t want you to freak out or anything, but – I think I’m gonna start cryin’ in a second.”

                “Oh. Don’t,” Willow pleaded. “Please don’t. If you start, then I’m gonna have to cry again.”

                “Feel free,” Faith whispered, not trusting her voice to remain steady at a higher volume.

                They both began to cry, tears silently slipping down their faces. They mourned the innocence they could never reclaim, they rejoiced in the understanding that they shared, and they supported each other on the road of redemption.

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**Fun Fact**: Every time you review a fic, Angel saves a puppy.


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